shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
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[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”