What the hell happened in there??
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HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I didn鈥檛 read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can鈥檛 put them down.
Our cat is an opera when she鈥檚 hungry
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
No smoking? Really? You鈥檙e gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let鈥檚 go over the proper way to greet customers
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 馃き
You don鈥檛 hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another鈥檚 soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE