Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
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[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.