Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
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the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori