Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
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I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices