That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
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[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today