One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
You Might Also Like
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Spring cleaning checklist…
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Are you ok, human???
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”