you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
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Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.