I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.