Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
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“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
A short story about romance.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.