me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
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ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
ugh not again
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!