If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
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My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Camping tip: No.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry