Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
You Might Also Like
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
birds and squirrels envy us
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.