You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so