1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
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Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Just how popey was the pope today?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message