Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.