No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
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“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My neck, my back, my…
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean