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You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
October already? What’s next? November????
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?