“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
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I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry