It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
You Might Also Like
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.