I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
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I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.