My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
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If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
don’t we all
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
What the dentist sees
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.