That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
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I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
👾👾👾
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat