Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
You Might Also Like
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Vodka burrito was a success
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.