When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
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O Wise One….
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me