The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
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I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Mornin
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty