Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
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Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Me :
All Day At Night
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs