PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
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[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.