DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
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If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Venn
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No