If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
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ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Worst Native American name ever.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”