this is one of the funniest videos of all time
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[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.