Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
You Might Also Like
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….