What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Bring back the McRib
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”