I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
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Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Why are bridges so flammable.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??