Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
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The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?