Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
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My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
The point of your 20s
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.