I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
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LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Google assistant rules
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people