my father died in a conga line and so shall i
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Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Flowers bee like
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.