*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
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Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.