BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
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how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹