[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
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Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place