you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
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*jingles half the way*
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
happy valentine’s day to me
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…