I think costco should be the next president of the united states
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches