My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
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My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
just make the entire table out of coaster
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.