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I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.