Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
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if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
somewhere, in an alternate universe
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.