Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
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If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Worth a try
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I would like even faster food.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.