CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
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Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Me as a therapist: omg same