Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
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You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No