Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
You Might Also Like
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
this FaceApp is creepy af
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Lmao the reply